Bet she never asks that again...

Elizabeth: "Why do we speak English?"

Nate: "blah blah blah... Columbus... blah blah... James Town... blah blah... French and Indian War... blah blah blah... Louisiana Purchase... blah --"

Elizabeth listened intently, and then interrupted with, "Are you done yet?"  before she ran off to play.

Pregnancy update and a picture!



Belly picture at 23w3d
(May 18th, 2012)



Well this pregnancy is over the half way point!  I am feeling okay, just tired.  And I get heartburn way more this time around.  I'm also way more emotional and hormonal this time!  I don't care for that and I think it is pretty safe to say that Nate doesn't care for that either.

We are no where near finding a name for this little girl.  I thought we had one picked out.  Nate was even calling her this name and everything.  Then all of a sudden, he doesn't like it any more.  Unfortunately it is the only name I like.  Hopefully he'll come around because he's not coming up with any ideas!

We are starting to get the nursery ready.  And by starting, I mean just barely started.  Mom and I took a bunch of the stuff from the office downstairs to get it out of the new nursery and... that's about it.  Oh, and I think I have the colors picked out.  I think we'll be going with pink, brown, and sage!  It looks so pretty in my head, hopefully I can make the room look just as pretty.  We'll see.



My little princess

I saw a picture on Pinterest a while ago that showed a little girl wearing her mama's wedding dress (http://pinterest.com/pin/207517495299483366/) and I HAD to try this with Elizabeth. And since I have yet to get my dress preserved since the wedding almost 5 years ago (what?), it was perfect!


Elizabeth in my wedding dress. My heart is exploding from her cute.

*EDITED April 30, 2012: My dress is now cleaned and preserved and in a box. Boo.

We're having a....

Nate and I have been so excited for this appointment because the doc said last time that he might be able to tell the gender. So we get to the office and wait fooooreeeever. Or at least it felt like forever. I'm pretty sure it was forever though.

We finally get called back! Only to be told, "The doctor isn't here right now because he's delivering a baby."

What?! Crap! "But...but... he said he could tell us the gender today."

Then she said that the PA was there and she would try to tell what we are having.

".....Okay..."

So then we wait even longer in the exam room than in the waiting room. Finally get called in for the ultrasound. The baby was being super cute and moving around and waving and all that. BUT... the ornery cuss would not show its business. Or the PA wasn't experienced enough to distinguish business. Rats.

So after being thoroughly disappointed, it was time to take all my blood for the quad screen. While the needle is in my arm, I look up and see the doctor just walking in!

As he walked passed my door, I said, "Hey! Want to do an ultrasound?"

He said, "Sure." YES!

We had to wait another bit so they could sneak us back in between patients. Fine with me!  Once he started the ultrasound, he was able to tell fairly quickly what he thought it was.  He said he was 80% sure.  He printed out an ultrasound picture and put it in an envelope for us to open later.   Later happened to be in the parking lot. 

Sitting in my car, we opened the envelope and discovered we are having another girl!  Well, probably.  80% and all.

We went to Hy Vee and got a couple of these balloons for the grandparents.  (Same thing I did when pregnant with Elizabeth.  At least I'm consistant?)  We went to lunch with Rob and Judy to tell them, then to my parents house to tell them and my younger brothers.  The other siblings got this picture of the balloon as their big fancy annoucement. :)

When we told Elizabeth, I figured she'd be upset, but wow.  She wanted a brother.  Really, really bad.  She'd interupt us if we'd say "Your little brother or sister-" with "Brother."  Poor girl cried and cried.  It was so sad!  I know she'll warm up to the idea of a sister, but probably not today! 

Just (another) little scare...

My children are mean to me. So we had another scare. After what Lizzie did to me when I was 8 weeks along with her, and then again when she was 10 weeks old, I'd say her little brother or sister should be nicer to me.

I have one of those fetal dopplers to use at home to hear the baby's heart beat. It is the coolest thing ever. And for a couple weeks now, I've been able to find Junior Squid's heartbeat just fine, even if it takes a few minutes (or ten).

Thursday, however, I couldn't find it. I tried to find it a couple different times in the morning. Nothing. I didn't think too much of it, though, since I know those things are finicky and sometimes it is hard to find the heartbeat on something so freakin tiny.

So throughout the day, I kept trying. For 20-30 minutes at a time. I could not find it. Each time I tried, I began getting more and more freaked out. Nate came home and I was crying, with the doppler laying beside me. At this point, I was scared, but still thought maybe everything was okay.

So I tried again before bed. Still nothing. By now, I was pretty sure I'd lost the baby.

When Nate left for work yesterday morning, he called the doctor's office and found out that he was in his West Omaha office. He called me and asked if we should get an appointment out there. I said I was going to look for the heartbeat one more time, and if I couldn't find it, then yes, get an appointment.

I looked for about 45 minutes, crying the whole time. It was awful. I was certain the baby was gone. Nate got an appointment for 1:00 PM. Throughout the day, I'm wondering how I'm going to tell everyone that we'd lost the baby. I'm wondering when we'd be able to try again. I'm wondering if Nate would be upset if I didn't go to the BNI social the next week. About how now I won't have a newborn when Lizzie starts dance class in the fall. Everything from super significant details to tiny insignificant details, I'm going over in my head. It. was. horrible.

We get out to West O and find the office. They finally call us in and I told the nurse what happened. Saying it out loud, I felt silly. I KNOW those dopplers have issues sometimes. I KNOW people have trouble sometimes. That is part of the risk of having one. But I also know I have never had an issue with it and I had never had a problem finding the heartbeat. My regular scheduled appointment was on Monday anyway, so we just changed it to Friday. That made me feel a little less crazy.

The doctor came in and I told him what happened, too. The moment he put the ultrasound wand on my stomach, we saw the baby dancing around. It was such a beautiful sight. Instant relief. What an emotional roller coaster though! Hearing the heartbeat was just more than I could take. I started crying. It was awesome.

I also vowed to not get that doppler out ever again. Then the doctor said something about how it would be easier to find when the baby is a bit bigger. So I said, "Well... I won't get it out for a few weeks then."

We left the office and I suddenly realized what a beautiful day it was. I hadn't even noticed before. Funny how that works.

This baby better not pull any more funny business like big sister did.

Sharing Our News

I found out I was pregnant on January 2nd. I tested pretty early. The test had the lightest pink line of all light pinks lines. I looked at the test and thought, "...bummer. No line. Wait.... what is that? IS THAT A LINE?!" I looked at that thing from all angles. Yep. Definitely a pink line!!

I wanted to tell Nate right away and in a super cute way. But right after I tested didn't seem like the time. I ended up going to lunch with Katy and not mentioning it the entire time. Do you realize how hard that was?!

On my way home, I stopped by the cemetary. Grandpa was actually the very first person I told.

When I got home, of course I did the only logical thing to do. I peed on another stick. Again it was sooooo light. But it was there! So my super cute way to tell Nate we are expecting Junior Squid?

"Hey Nate.... I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a line here. What do you think?" as I walked into the living room holding the pregnancy test. So much for telling him in a cute way! Ah well. He is pretty happy anyway.

Last night I asked mom and dad to come up to the house after they were done visiting Grandma so I could see them before they went back to Chicago the next day. Or at least that is what I told them! ;) I had this thing all planned out for how to share the big news with them. I bought a frame with two pictures; on one side was a picture of Elizabeth and the other side had this "Photo Coming September 2012" thing that I made. It was wrapped and everything.

But of COURSE, when Mom gets to the house, she needs to use the restroom. And of COURSE, Lizzie had to go with her. I should mention Elizabeth was wearing a "Big Sister" shirt with a little pink sweater over it to cover it up. While waiting for mom to come out of the bathroom, Nate comes into the living room and motions for me to get my butt to the kitchen. I rush in there and he says, "Elizabeth is in there yelling stuff about big sister!"

".... Shit!"

So mom came out of the bathroom and acted like she didn't know anything. I watched her face. She tried so hard. She started smiling and looking suspicious and wouldn't look at me, so I said, "She told you!!" She started laughing and crying and hugging me. Apparently mom had complimented Lizzie on her little pink sweater. So Lizzie lifted it up to reveal her shirt underneath and said, "I'M A BIG SISTER!!

Poor dad had no idea what was going on! I had to call Lizzie into the room so he could read her shirt. Then I said, "Well this is how you were SUPPOSED to find out!" and handed them the gift. Oh well, Lizzie telling them was even cuter.

Then we went up to Rob and Judy's. I made them a similar frame, except with a lot more pictures to include all the grandkids! I wrapped it in such a way so that the last photo had an extra piece of wrapping over it. When Judy opened it, she kind of squealed when she saw all of her granddaughters. Then she took off the last piece of wrapping and squealed even louder! It was so cute.

Then I sent all the aunts and uncles a picture of Lizzie in her Big Sister shirt. It was pretty adorable.

Circle of Life.

Well, I have got to say, I am not too sorry to see 2011 go.

My poor family has been through quite a bit in the last several months. In the beginning of November (I'm pretty sure it was the 2nd), my Grandpa got so weak that he couldn't stay at home by himself anymore. It must have been so hard for him, but he called up my mom and finally took her up on the offer to come stay with her. So for a few weeks, she and my dad took care of him.

We hosted Thanksgiving at our house, in the basement, so Grandma and Grandpa could just come in the basement door in their wheel chairs and not have to get up the stairs somehow. It worked out pretty nicely. I am so glad we were all able to be together as a family for Thanksgiving. However, shortly after lunch, Grandpa didn't feel well and he slept in the guest room for the rest of the day. I liked him being there though. I just hope it wasn't too hard on him.

Pretty quickly, it was getting to the point that mom physically wasn't able to help him. One day Grandpa said to mom that he better go to the hospital, which is HUGE. Things would have to be really bad for him to suggest the hospital. So they went. He stayed there for about a week and then moved to the nursing home where he would be able to receive better care from people trained to help.

Meanwhile, the day before Thanksgiving, Mom found a lump in her breast. On December 1st, I accompanied her to Jennie Ed for an ultrasound to get it checked out. They thought that cyst looked fine. The other one, though, the one that she had checked out in February at Mercy and they said was totally fine and would never turn to cancer? Yeah that one... they thought that one looked suspicious. They were worried. They did a biopsy right then of the "cyst" that wasn't really a cyst and another biopsy of a lymph node. A whole agonizing day later, Dr. G called. She didn't have the official results yet, but they were worried and she was pretty sure it was cancer. This was a horrible weekend for all of us. Monday we got word: Moderately Differential Infiltrated Ductal Carcinoma. My mom has breast cancer.

In the nursing home, Grandpa continued to grow weaker. He quit eating, quit drinking. Mom was told by an aide that she'd be surprised if Grandpa made it to Sunday (Dec 11th), the same day that mom was scheduled to go out to Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Zion, Illinois(a suburb of Chicago). Why an aide thinks she is in ANY position to give information like that is beyond me. Very frustrating. After much, much, MUCH deliberating, and after a hospice nurse gave mom some very profound advice, she finally decided to go ahead and go to CTCA on the 11th. Saturday night, we all went to the nursing home and visited Grandpa. He was barely alert, but looked around at us when we talked and when I said "I love you, Grandpa," he said, "I love you, too." Then he said the same thing to mom when she told him she loves him. Those were the last words we ever heard him speak. Mom was sure this was her last goodbye with her dad.

During the week that mom and dad were in Illinois, I went to visit Grandpa almost every day. The aids said that he wasn't responding to anyone or anything anymore. Whatever. He totally responded to me. When I talked to him, he moved his arms around and reached his hand out. He acted like he wanted to say something but couldn't. Then Nate said something to him and got nothing. I talked to him again, and he moved his hand around again. I felt pretty special right then.

Once when I went in, I talked to him for a minute and didn't get a response. Then I started to give him some news from mom, and he responded a lot. Shifting his shoulders and moving his arms, reaching out his hand. Then he seemed to pull at his blanket. I asked, "Are you too hot?" obviously not expecting an answer. I swear, I SWEAR I saw him shake his head ever so slightly. I told Grandma about it, and she said that earlier that day, she asked him if he wanted his mouth wiped with the wet sponge, and she said she saw him nod. While I was thrilled that it seemed like he could understand and hear what we were saying, I was also a little heart broken that he could hear and understand, but couldn't say anything back. I hope he wasn't upset or frustrated about that.

The news I told Grandpa about Mom that seemed to excite him so much is this... Mom's cancer hasn't spread. She has Stage 2 cancer and it is in both the "cyst" that Mercy said was fine and also 2 lymph nodes. It hadn't spread anywhere else. Thank God. Thank GOD. Her doctor said she was curable. Not treatable, mind you. Curable! However, she does still have to go through 4 rounds of chemo, surgery, and then radiation. She was able to get through her first round of chemo on her birthday while out in Chicago (happy birthday to her!) before she came home.

I picked them up from the airport and we went straight to the nursing home. Grandpa held on for her. He hadn't had anything to eat or drink in a week or so. This was rough. Again, the aides said that Grandpa wasn't responding. When mom got in there and talked to him, he definitely knew she was there. He responded by moving his shoulders, his arms, his hands. She told him the news again and I know he heard her and was so happy.

I stayed with mom the next several nights to help her in any way I could. She had to get a shot the day after getting chemo to make her bones stay strong. Apparently this shot makes a person feel like they have a bad case of the flu for 3-4 days. Mom was so miserable. She felt horrible. We bunked out together downstairs and she pretty much slept for the first two days while I updated friends and family on what was going on. And I watched TV. A lot of TV. I didn't want to leave her side.

On December 18th, I rolled over on our makeshift bed on the floor, and mom told me that Grandpa had passed away. Dad had come down earlier after a phone call from the nursing home and told mom. Apparently I slept through it. Obviously, it wasn't a surprise. I wasn't shocked. It was actually a blessing that he lasted as long as he did. So why did it still feel like I was being punched in the gut? I cried, just a little. Dad went to the nursing home to be with Grandma and Grandpa. I asked mom what she wanted me to do, and she wanted me to stay there with her. I was a little relieved about that.

By this time, mom was feeling not great by any means, but better than before. She was able to get up and out of the house and make funeral plans, even if she did have to force herself. We went to the funeral home to make plans and Mom and I went to a meeting at Grandpa's church to talk to the pastor who would officiate at the funeral. He asked a lot of questions about Grandpa and what he was like growing up and throughout life. It was nice talking about him. Getting to tell someone what an amazing man my Grandpa was.

Mom looked gorgeous and healthy at the visitation and funeral, even though I'm sure she didn't feel it. The visitation was December 21st and the funeral... my grandpa's funeral was December 22nd. That is so hard to type out. The funeral was beautiful, if a funeral can be beautiful. The pastor did a great job of telling everybody how wonderful this man was. Like they didn't already know. Everyone loved him. They still love him.

One small blessing is that mom still had her own hair for the funeral. Several days after Christmas, mom's hair started shedding a little more than usual. Quickly, it started coming out by the handful. On December 31st, mom and I went for a spa day. She decided it was time to cut her hair off. I told her several times to try not to let it bother her. To think of it as, "Screw you, cancer, you can't get to me." Obviously, this is easier said than done. I could not even follow my own advice. Not even close. We both cried big ol' fat tears when she was sitting in the chair waiting for the stylist to come back with the right size clippers. I did still have plenty of "screw you, cancer" thoughts, though. Then we both got a pedicure and manicure. Not what most people have in mind for a girls day out, but we had fun.

Today mom and I went to the wig shop and picked up her new hair. She really likes her new bangs! Tomorrow I will drop mom and dad off at the airport so she can head to Chicago for her second round of chemo.

So 2011... I'm not all that sorry to say that I won't miss you. I hope and pray that 2012 will be a year of joy and hope and healing and recovery and LIFE.

Also? I'm pregnant. :) So come on 2012... let's see where you take us. Please be nice.

She'll still need me... right?!

After I read Elizabeth a story, she turned and hugged me and patted me on the back. What a nice cuddle, I thought. And then...

E: "When I grow up, I'm not even going to need a mommy anymore."

That sound you heard? Was my heart shattering all across the floor.

Me: "But I'm a grown up and I still need my mommy. Do you think you'll still need your mommy when you are grown up?"

E: "No. Because I'll grow up and be a big kid and I won't be a little kid anymore."

Like I need reminders. She's getting big so fast.

Another potty training update :)

So last week was Lizzie's first time in big girl undies. No big deal. AHH!!!

She actually could have been switched over from pull ups to underwear a few weeks ago, but we hadn't made it to the store yet to buy them. Mommy fail.

She hasn't had an accident during the day since before October 1st. Seriously, overnight it just seemed to click with her. We have been working on it this whole summer, and she has done decent. But as of October 1st... she gets it. She tells me every single time she has to go. When we are eating out at a restaurant, or shopping for groceries, in dance class... she never goes in her pants! Even during her nap time she knocks on the door when she has to go. It is pretty awesome.

She is still in pull ups at night and has only had a couple incidents where she is wet in the mornings. I am pretty freakin excited and so proud of my big girl!

Introducing Binky Giraffey

This is going to be a long, boring post about something that nobody else will probably ever care about but that I want to remember forever. So here goes. I am a little embarrassed to actually say this out loud (or... type it out), but Elizabeth has STILL been using her binky. Her binky has always been her "lovey." She never had a stuffed animal or blanket that she brought with her everywhere. She just wanted her binkys. However many she could fit in her teeny hands. However, for a very, very long time, she has only had them at night and nap time. And I have been terrified, dreading the day when it is time to take away her binkys. Which is why she's 3 years old and still had them.

Transitioning to an only bed time binky was actually super easy. One day I asked if she wanted to leave her binky in her crib after her nap, and she just turned and tossed it back in the crib. From that day on, she only had it when she was sleeping.

Lately though, she's been more dependent on her binkys. She'll go get them from her room and bring them out to the rest of the house. I'll tell her that binkys are for bed time, so she tells me she's sleepy and she'll lay down wherever she's at to go to bed.

My baby girl with her binky. I am so going to miss her binky face.

About a week ago I started talking to her about sending her binkys to a new baby who needs them and about going to the store to get a stuffed animal that we can name Binky. That way she can still have a Binky to sleep with. (Got this idea from my cousin who still sleeps with a big horse named Pacifier. :) She said to this idea, "I want to get a giraffe." Okay then.

The other day we were at the store and came across this big display of pillow pets. She said, "Look at all those animals named Binky!!" There were several giraffes in the mix, so I grabbed one and she just cuddled with it. Looks like we found our Binky! Wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it'll do.

I wasn't exactly sure when this whole Binky switch was going to happen, but tonight the issue was kind of forced. A tear was discovered in the one binky that we found, the pink one that seems to be her favorite these days. The other two, "green and yellow binky" and "butterfly binky," were no where to be found. I asked Lizzie if she wanted to sleep with her new Binky giraffe tonight so we could send her binkys to a new baby, and she grinned and ran to the kitchen to get the giraffe off the table.

This picture shows all her beloved binkys: pink binky, green and yellow binky, and butterfly binky. Also, she is sleeping on her rocking chair like a little weirdo.

I started reading stories while we had this giant giraffe sitting with us. Only one time did she say that she wanted her binkys, and I just reminded her she had her Binky giraffe to sleep with instead. She seemed fine with that. At one point she told me the giraffe's name is Binky Giraffey.

Lizzie with Mr. Binky Giraffey

She actually did really good. Well.... other than not being at all tired and getting up constantly. She kept standing at her door saying she wanted her mommy and I lost track of the number of times I went in there to lay her back down, but she never again mentioned wanting her binkys.

She finally settled down on the floor (her new favorite spot to sleep) and fell asleep. One time I watched on the video monitor as she sat up and looked around like she was searching for her binkys. My heart broke just a little right then and I instantly regretted this whole thing. Then she laid back down on Binky Giraffey and fell right back to sleep. Maybe this won't be as hard as I thought it was going to be...

So very proud of my big girl.