Loss

Nate and I have been "on the fence" about a third baby for a while.  I say that in quotes because that was usually my standard answer every time I was asked about adding to our brood.  "I don't know.... we're on the fence."

Recently though, we decided to give it a go.  A couple of days before my period was due in May, I took a test - negative.  A couple of days later, another test. Still negative.  Another couple of days after that... you get the picture.  I gave up.  I was well beyond when my period was due so if I was pregnant, it would have shown up.  I knew I wasn't pregnant.  

Then on May 29th, right around midnight, I realized I still hadn't gotten my period.  I took the test and then set it aside on the counter and got on Instagram to kill time while waiting for the 3 minutes for the test to do its thing.  So after falling into a rabbit hole and completely forgetting about the test, I shut my phone off 10 ish minutes later wondering why I was standing in the bathroom playing on my phone.

OH!  The test.  Yes.  I didn't forget.

Yes I did.

I picked it up and looked at it.  It was positive.  POSITIVE.  I couldn't believe it.  I took another test then to be sure.  Still positive!

Of course, just like with the other 2 pregnancies, I woke Nate up and told him that I think I'm pregnant.  Kinda tradition around here, I guess.

Unlike the other 2 pregnancies, we didn't tell anyone right away.  I wanted to keep this one to ourselves for a little bit.

But just a few days later, I started spotting.  Which I told myself was normal.  I did when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, too.  The next day, I spotted a little more and had this horrible back ache that reminded me a little too much of labor.  Awful.

By Friday (June 3rd) I knew.  It was too much blood.  I called my doctor and they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound at 2:30, which was a couple of hours away.  Nate and Anna came with me, while Elizabeth was at her last day of 1st grade.

I cried during the duration of the ultrasound.  Anna kept trying to console me and even gave me Baby's Doggy to hold.  The tech was super nice and tried saying things like, "It could just be too early."  But I knew.

I went to to the bathroom to change and just sobbed.  That was rough.

Then we went back to meet with my doctor, who was wonderful and amazing and compassionate and I love her.

We picked Elizabeth up from her "Grandma" Jeanine, who was able to get her from the bus stop.  Jeanine was the first to know that I was pregnant, and that now I wasn't.

We went home and I took advil for the backache and cried for several days.  I was surrounded by some great friends and family who loved and supported me.

But it still... sucks.  Our baby died.

It was a heart breaking, gut wrenching kind of pain.  Not physical pain anymore, since I was able to take advil.  Now it was an emotional pain.

Based on my last period, I was only 6 weeks along.  It was so early.  I didn't even get a chance to hear the heartbeat.  I have read stories and articles about people who have surely suffered far worse than I have.  Mothers who gave birth to a stillborn baby, or ones that knew early on that their baby wouldn't make it, but chose to carry her to term anyway, only for her to die in their arms. A friend, who is an OB nurse, told me some devastating stories of loss that turned into wonderful miraculous stories later on.  I felt an incredible amount of guilt for being so heart broken when others have had it so much worse.

So then it really hit hard when she said that other losses aren't greater than mine.  That I lost my baby and it is okay that I am sad.

So for now I am sad and I miss our baby that I never got the chance to know.

Happy 1st Birthday, Anna!

Dear Anna,

Today you turned one!!  Baby girl, that is so hard to believe.  You were just born!  It was only yesterday that I held you for the first time!  Except... it wasn't.  It was a year ago.  Wow.

You know, there were times when your Daddy and I were undecided about having another baby.  Your sister has always kept us pretty busy!  But we decided to go for it and I got pregnant. We are so blessed! What I didn't know until I held you was that there was this Anna sized hole in my heart before I had you. You were missing from my life and I just didn't know it yet.  You, sweetheart, are in my heart and my soul and I simply can not imagine my life without you in it. 

It has been so much fun watching you grow up this past year.  You went from a teeny, tiny baby, so dependent on your mama, to a little girl who loves to explore the world around her.  I love watching you play and climb and dance your way through the day.  I love celebrating each new milestone you reach and watching your mind work as you learn new things.  

Your smile is breathtaking.  Seeing those dimples.... it instantly makes me happy. Your giggles and laughter is the sweetest sound.  I pray that you are always this happy.  People often comment about how you are such a happy girl, that you are very easy going.  This is so true and yet, you know exactly what you want!  You are definitely a girl with opinions of her own.  I also pray that you always stay true to that and that you always go after what you want!

I have so many hopes and dreams for you and your sister.  God has a purpose for you and I know you both will do amazing things.  I hope you follow your dreams and are never afraid to be who you are. I hope you know that you are never alone.  I will always, always be here for you, sweet girl.  Whether you need a kiss on an owie or a hand to hold if you are scared or a shoulder to cry on if some guy is ever stupid enough to break your heart... I'm here.  You are so loved, baby girl. 

You are growing up so fast.  I blinked and you turned one.  I'm so afraid to blink again!  I'm trying my best to slow time down, but no luck so far. 

I love you so, so much, Anna.  I am so very blessed to call you mine.

Love,
Mommy

Birthday Girl :)

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

Anna updates!

Where did the time go?! Anna will be ONE in A MONTH!

I have totally failed at keeping this thing up to date. I am too busy chasing around these pretty girls, I guess!
Anyway, Anna turned 11 months old today! She is getting way too big. We started trying to teach her to raise her arms when we ask her how big she is. As in, "Soooo big!" She will sometimes raise her arms up and flap them around like a bird. It is a start!

My little girl is still pretty little. She weighs about 16 lbs, which I believe is how much her big sis weighed at 11 months. But Anna seems to have a little bit more baby chub on her legs. Not much though!

Anna LOVES eating. Loves it. She eats anything I put in front of her. She eats the fruit and veggie purees I make for her and also little finger foods. She also loves her puffs and yogurt bites. I wonder how long this non-picky thing will last...
ALSO! She finally got a tooth! Like, today! It finally poked through! It looks like there are a couple more that are going to poke through soon too. Eleven months old and girlfriend got herself a fancy new tooth! This might explain her HORRIBLE sleep habits the last few nights. Which brings me to...

Anna hates sleep. Or at least hates having a decent amount of consecutive hours of sleep. We thought Elizabeth was a terrible sleeper! I can count on one hand the number of times she has slept through the night. (I can probably count them on 3 fingers.) At least Lizzie would have a few weeks here and there where she would sleep all night.

Anna still wakes up around every 3 hours. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The last few nights, there were times where she would wake up every half hour. The only real change is the time that she sleeps. We went through a stage where she wouldn't go to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning. That one was rough. Then for a while it was between 12 and 1 AM. Right now, for the most part, she goes to sleep between 10:30 and 11:30, which is so significantly better. The time is coming soon where she will get "sleep trained." I'm already dreading it.

Anna is still nursing, which I am super proud of. My goal is a year, just like with Elizabeth, and we are almost there!! I ended up nursing for 14 months (and one day) with Liz, so we'll see how long I can go this time. I am worried about my supply though. The tricky thing with breastfeeding is you have no idea how much they are actually getting. Also, since Anna never sleeps, I haven't been able to get an extra pumping session in the middle of the night to build up my freezer stash. So my "stash," which is in quotes because it can't really be called a stash, is about 4 bottles worth. Not good!

I think she's getting pretty close to walking. Not tomorrow or anything, but soon-ish. She can stand for several seconds at a time, then will slowly sit down (or sometimes plop on her butt).  She walks around as long as she is holding on to something, like the couch or my fingers.

I think Anna's favorite game lately is fetch. She throws something, we fetch it. It is hilarious! For now, anyway. Even if I'm not handing her something, sometimes she'll reach for whatever is in my hand(for example, her binky), and then throw it on the floor.

OH, and she also sticks her tongue out now when I do!  It is super hilarious. 

Since I have been such a failure at updating this thing, here is a list of random "Anna Firsts" that I have stored on a note in my phone. Hey, at least I did that!

• At 3 weeks 5 days, she smiled! 
• At 8 weeks, she giggled.  Such a beautiful sound!
• November 10th - 2 months old - she rolled over from stomach to back
• January 1st - 3.5 months - she found her feet! Love this.
• At 4 months old, she cried when I leave the room.  Don't love this so much.  But I do a little bit.  She's a mama's girl. :)
• January 26th - 4.5 months - she rolled over from back to stomach
• March 3rd - almost 6 months - ate baby food (baby oatmeal) for the first time!
• 7 months old - rolled everywhere!  She could roll across any room.  Also, she could sit up unassisted, but tipped easily.
• 7.5 months - Pulled herself up to sitting position all by her little self.
• Around 8 months - she pulled herself up to her knees
• Also at 8 months, she started waving bye bye! Sort of.
• At 8.5 months, she pulled herself up to her feet!  She also began crawling on May 25th!  Look out world.
• At 9 months old, she started saying "Bup!" all the time.  Love love love it.
• 9.5 months - she started dancing!!  Also, she started giving high fives. So cute.
• July 19th - 10 months - she stood up on her own for 2-3 seconds at a time. 

LOVE this little girl!!!

Mom of Two

There are many differences between being a parent of one and a parent of two.  There are the obvious differences, of course.  It takes longer to do... everything.  It takes longer to go anywhere.  There is so.much.more laundry. WAY more toys.  A lot more messes. SO much less sleep.  And of course, more love and cuddles and hugs and little feet to kiss.

But one of the biggest differences of being a mom of two for me, is that I am now so acutely aware of how quickly the days, weeks, months, years fly by and just how warped time is when watching your baby grow up.  When Elizabeth was a baby, I just kind of took it for granted that the baby stage lasts forever.  Or at least a very, very long time. 

Then I blinked and Elizabeth turned 4 1/2 the other day.  How did that happen?  How has it been 4 1/2 years since I held her in that hospital bed after pushing her out for two hours? 

 

Every single day I look at Anna and know that this time is so, so limited.  She will only be a baby for such a short time.  She is growing so very fast. She is 7 1/2 months old today.  The baby stage does NOT last forever or for a very, very long time.  It flies by at warp speed.  And then? They aren't babies anymore.  Ever again. 

So for now I cuddle and kiss and relish in the baby that she is today.  Because she'll be big all too soon.

____________________
This next part is a piece of a blog post from Jill at BabyRabies.com.  She wrote a letter to her 51 year old self and I can relate to every word. (Here is the link to the entire blog post.)

Even though you were tired and challenged, exasperated and overwhelmed, you knew then that you would miss these days…most of them, at least. It was a truth that was hard to live with, and most of the time you ignored it because there was nothing you could do about the passing of time. If you spent your days mourning the ones that had gone by, you’d miss out on the days you were living in.

You knew you were on a light rail, moving at speeds you couldn’t comprehend. You had no control over the ride that brought you to where you are today, but believe me when I say you searched so very hard to find the emergency brake.

Please know, please remember that you tried to savor that time. Be at peace, knowing you spent late afternoons curled up with them on the couch, that sometimes you just sat and watched them move and run, that occasionally you took inventory of all the things they’d learned in the last week, and that you appreciated your time with them the best you knew how. Know that despite your very best efforts, there was no way to freeze time.
I promise you, you tried.

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Anna!

Anna is 5 months old!

Big Sister

When I was pregnant with Anna, I was quite nervous about how Elizabeth would take having a new baby in the house.  I was expecting jealousy, anxiety, regression, some sort of adjustment period...  I kept expecting the jealousy to just show up one day, for Lizzie to be mad that Anna is getting more attention or pissed that she is playing with one of HER toys, or for Lizzie to ask the question that I feared the most... "Can't we put her back in??"  So far....

Elizabeth meeting Anna for the first time. 

I am totally blown away with how awesome Elizabeth is with Anna.  She exceeded all my expectations of how life with an infant and older sibling would go. Seeing them together makes my heart go all melty.

At first, Elizabeth kept track of how many times she held Anna.  Like, "This is my very first time holding Anna!" and "This is my 8th time holding Anna!"  Then she would tell everyone who would listen that she had held Anna however many times. I think she lost track around 12 or 13. 

The first time Elizabeth held Anna. 

I believe this is Lizzie's second time holding Anna.

And now a bunch of random thoughts thrown together with bullet points:

• She does her "job" of bringing dirty diapers from the living room to the diaper champ in the nursery (she will say, "Oh, I have a job to do!" whenever she sees a diaper sitting there. Hilarious.) 
• She insisted on buying Anna the really expensive teether giraffe named Sophie, and basically makes sure she has it at all times because she knows Anna loves it so much (she actually does seem to really enjoy the dang giraffe). 
• When Anna fusses, Elizabeth has said many times, "Anna, why are you crying?  You have a big sister!" 
• She loves holding Anna's hand, or rather, she loves when Anna holds her finger.  Every time she says something like, "Mom, look!  Anna's holding my finger! Take a picture!" 
• After Anna was born, even when we were still in the hospital, Elizabeth would climb on the couch, put a pillow in her lap, and hold her arms out.  That was her way of saying she wanted to hold her sister.
• I told Elizabeth that it is so cool that she has a sister because some day they'll be best friends and can be each other's maids of honor, etc. and she said to me, "Mom, we are already best friends."

Anna is 4 months old!

Anna is 3 months old!